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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.