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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.