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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.