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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"