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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.