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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.