Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Plan B includes margaritas.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.