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If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.