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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.