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I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"