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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!