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It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver