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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?