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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
The only dates I get are updates.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.