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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”