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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
I`m perfect you adjust.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.