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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I am the bestest at the English language...
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Better late than pregnant.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".