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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone