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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.