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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?