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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.