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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?