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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...