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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.