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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.