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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...