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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.