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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Plan B includes margaritas.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?