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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.