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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?