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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
My internet goes out more than I do.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.