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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.