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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.