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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?