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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
My doctor said Iām healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!