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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.