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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?