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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome