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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.