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I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.