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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.