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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.