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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!