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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?