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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"