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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.