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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.