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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
The fox says you need to stop.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.