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I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.