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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.