Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.