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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.