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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`