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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?