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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
We get it poets: things are like other things
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.