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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Your personality needs alcohol.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I am hungry 25 hours a day
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.