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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?