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Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.