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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.