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Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Remember when the world ended last year?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come