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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.