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If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I need more people like me in my life
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......