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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.