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When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.