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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.