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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.