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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Running behind is my cardio.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.